I just finished writing my ‘About’ page. According to my writing app: “It was a bit bland.” Thanks for that, Grammarly. Nothing like a computer algorithm to trigger an insecurity alarm. I hope the changes I made meet with your approval?! And if not? Well, it is what it is. I will forever be a work in progress, which means there is always room for improvement. 🙂
July 2021. The year is rolling along, and I secretly want to pull on the handbrake. Slow it all down just a little. I know it’s nonsense. I mean, a day is a day. Twenty-four hours is twenty-four hours. But the pace quickens as the days shorten, and the crescendo of activity takes me everywhere but here. I am everywhere … but here.
Time. Time to breathe. Time to sit. Time to stay focused on what’s right in front of me: a pencil and a blue-lined sheet of paper in a blue composition notebook. Always rushing ahead to the next thing and the next and the next … and I miss out on today. Blue-skied, sun-filled Thursday in July. The temperature has dropped 15 degrees since yesterday, and the world breathes a sigh of relief. Even the cricket singing in the yard sounds happier. Or perhaps he’s just celebrating the silence left behind by the end of the 17-year cicadas? Finally! A little quiet! Anybody mind if I get back to my solo?!
Okay, so if you’re reading this, it means I’ve pulled the trigger and published a blog. A quick Google search tells me that this is one of 600 million blogs worldwide. 600 million blogs! Here I think I’m doing this really big thing, and yet it’s been done by over half a billion people already. That’s over 7% of the global population. You would think that knowledge would ease my anxiety, and yet fear still lurks about. Since I want to be transparent through this endeavor, I’ll add some thoughts from my journal to the matter:
I am willing to be uncomfortable as I go through the process of sharing my work. It’s okay that I’m uncomfortable. It means I’m doing something new. It means I’m growing, stretching, and learning. That’s what growth feels like. Staying in a space that I’ve outgrown is also uncomfortable. Would I rather go through life wearing a pair of shoes that are too tight?
I am ready for a change. I am ready for a new challenge.
So, I acknowledge that fear will go hand-in-hand with this process. I may as well get used to it.
I can feel that anxiety rising – yep, there it is. Right on schedule. I ask the questions, “What should I write about? How should I begin?” and a big blank space fills up my cranium, along with a groundswell of “I don’t know’s.”
How do I find the way? I can write a thousand words about nothin’ and end up with somethin’, but ask me to write about somethin’? … I got nothin.’
It’s the pressure that’s the issue. Pressure takes the fun out of it. Pressure is a joy thief. Hmmm, so what can I do about that? How do I create a shift? For I want to be diligent and make a difference, and that may require doing things differently. Stepping up and putting a stake in the ground. Inviting others along means I have to show up. To be willing is also to be faithful.
You know, Cath, that pressure piece may always be there, but can you write anyway? Can you write in spite of it? Can you put your pencil to the page and see what comes of it? Even writing nonsense, if necessary? And then, if the words aren’t what you want them to be, can you just be kind about it? Silence the “See, I told you so’s” that show up, as if on cue? That just dials up the pressure even more, don’t you think? Persistence is the key. Try again. Take a break, if necessary. Come back to it later if it helps. Or maybe just be willing to let it be “as is” … imperfect but from the heart?
I take the pressure off and the way finds me. That’s it. That’s it.
Perfection isn’t the aim. The aim is to share the journey. How many times have I invited friends and family members into my less-than-perfect, and oh-so-lived-in home? How many memories would I have missed out on if I had kept the doors closed because of fingerprints and dust bunnies?
Joy is sharing what we have. Joy is inviting others in. Joy is creating a space where connections are made and experience is shared.
I’m excited, scared, and I don’t know what’s going to happen next. And that is the beginning of a really great story.
I’m so glad you’re here.
❤️Cath