Perfectly Imperfect. As is.

It’s a good day today. A beautiful beginning to October, before the leaves begin to turn. In a few weeks time, they will be scattered about the lawn, waiting for someone with a rake to gather them up. Where are those boys when I need them? Oh yeah. Off to see the world they all are …

I spent a chunk of time writing for the blog yesterday. It felt clunky. It tends to feel clunky when I attempt writing “for the blog.” Or maybe it just needs some work. It’s Friday morning, and I still don’t know what will show up on the page today. Seems to go that way.

I am avoiding certain topics. Well, I am actually avoiding one topic – Heidi. This week marked eight years since she has been gone. People who love her shared pictures and memories on social media. I didn’t. I don’t know why. It’s not that she wasn’t on my mind. She’s been on my mind.

Some stories are hard to tell. And awfully big. Perhaps you are reading this, and you don’t even know who Heidi is? If that is the case, I will just say that she was my dearest friend and business partner. Until stupid cancer came along and ruined it, the way cancer does sometimes. If it was up to me, she would still be here, but I don’t have a say in these things. And, if I am honest, these kinds of things often end up making us more of who we were meant to be. If we’re willing to work through it anyway. A surrendered life has a way of working out for the good, despite the bad and the ugly.

A surrendered life has a way of working out for the good, despite the bad and the ugly.

With social media and our selective memories, our tendency is to reminisce over the highlight reel of someone’s life and forget their quirks and imperfections. At times it can feel like they become something of an icon. And since Heidi was one of the “truly good ones,” it’s easy to paint a picture-perfect portrait of her. One that highlights her strengths and omits the things that made her, well, Heidi – beautifully imperfect Heidi.

But to leave out the messy bits makes for an incomplete portrait. For isn’t the mess where strength, wisdom, and grace are born? Isn’t that where we dig deep and find joy despite the hard? To me, it is the beauty that comes out of the mess that makes a life truly extraordinary.

So, to add my own portrait of my sweet partner-in-crime, I will add that Heidi was as flawed as the rest of us. She had moments of faith and moments of doubt. She prayed but certainly didn’t have all the answers. She dreamed big but that didn’t mean she had a magic carpet to get there. She loved learning and was a continual work in progress. Maybe that’s why she was a work in progress.

Like me, she was a misplacer of cell phones and car keys and had that lovely quality of being not-quite-together around the edges. (I’ll never forget the time we set fire to a cardboard box on my countertop. A good lesson that day in understanding that production work and scented candles do not mix.) I loved that about her. Probably because I felt less alone in my not-quite-togetherness. What a relief to have someone love and accept that character trait! Seriously. People get irritated over that one. And I can’t really blame them. But with Heidi, I never had to explain away any of it.

Did she get irritated? Absolutely. Did she sometimes complain and get impatient? Yep. Except she was able to do so without losing that sweet tone and cadence in her voice. It’s no wonder people loved her. Even when she was allowing her humanity to show, it sounded nicer. Kinder. I could use a little bit of that.

When you spend enough time in the trenches with someone, you get the gift of being your honest and authentic self with them. You get to let your messy, imperfect, and irritating qualities be seen. Your list of flaws might look slightly different than mine, but we all have them. And we all want a place – or a person – where we (and our list) are accepted, as is. Someone who is strong enough to handle our messiest self and still stick around for the after-party. Someone who reminds us that we have company, which is what we all need to hear.

I want to be better. Kinder. Wiser. More generous. More compassionate. More like Heidi. And though my desire to improve is a healthy one, I can easily forget that I am whole and accepted as I am. I don’t need to do anything or be anything to be more accepted or more loved. I AM loved and accepted. As is. As is.

Sometimes a messy, imperfect, and beautiful one comes along to remind me of that truth.

Sometimes her name is Heidi.

❤️ Cath