Rough Seas and a Fresh Start

It’s a new day. A brand, spanking, new day. Just what I needed.

I had a rough time of it yesterday. I had a rough time of it, and it’s okay. It’s okay. I am learning. I am growing. I will have more days when I don’t get the outcome I was hoping for, and things don’t go as planned. Days when my mindset regresses and old thought patterns creep in. Days when triggers cause a chain reaction of self-criticism and a downward spiral.

Just as the weather changes from day to day, so does the climate of my emotional landscape. Learning to read the signs and ride out the storms is a skill that I am learning to master. Well, perhaps just become better at navigating them. Does anyone ever truly master their emotions?

Just as the weather changes from day to day, so does the climate of my emotional landscape.

My goal yesterday was to write a draft of the coming week’s blog posts. Now, what I would like to be able to say is that I spent a good chunk of time actually writing blog posts. Though I did manage to put some words on the page, they just didn’t go anywhere. I don’t know why. Maybe I had something else to learn. Perhaps the powers that be – the source of the inspiration that flows – decided that a day without wind in my sails was in order. But I want to get from here to there, don’t you see? I have things to do, places to be, expectations to meet!

Silence.

Now I know that sometimes all it takes is to make a start. Put the pencil to the page and write about the weather. That usually gets the inspiration flowing.

And what was my internal response to the thought at the time? Weather! What good will that do? How many times can I talk about the weather?! … OK, fine. I’ll write about the weather [insert forced smile and an internal eye roll] …  a few minutes and a page or two later … See, I told you it wouldn’t go anywhere.

Now, when I start arguing FOR my limitations – the very things I want deliverance from – that is a sign that I am past the point of being reasonable. An unhappy and frustrated 10-year-old version of me has taken ahold of the wheel. Time to pull in the oars and lower the sails. 

When I reach this state, a mental reset is in order. Sometimes a walk does the trick or a chat with someone who is rational and cares. Listening to music or a podcast. Folding some laundry. Yesterday, sleep was required. Shut it down, and start fresh in the morning. 

I am learning to trust that no matter how discouraged I am in the moment, tomorrow is another day. What I have accomplished on one day, I can accomplish on another. I just don’t always get to pick the day. Not yet anyway.

I may not appreciate these setbacks when they arrive, but they are significant. Perhaps more invaluable than I want to admit. A sailor who only navigates calm seas … well, what can you really say about their experience as a seafarer? If I want to be of service to others, i.e., leave a little light for someone else to follow, then days like these will help me become a better navigator. 

Rats.

Rats. Rats. Rats.

I had hoped that I would evolve past it all somehow. Arrive on that shore of ease and effortlessness … Cue the angel chorus … 

Instead, I hear the refrain of “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor in my head. Along with visions of a beaten and bloodied Rocky Balboa coming back for more.

Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Inspiration is not like a soda fountain where I can push a button at will, and my cup magically fills up. Some days I will have to face writer’s block. Some days the current of fear running under my feet will make it hard to get my footing. Some days I will have to write a lot of crap to get to anything good. And that may just be a reflection of all of the crappy thoughts that I am batting away with one hand while I am writing with the other.

That sounds pretty accurate right there. Yep. Pretty accurate.

So, back to it, I go. A little stronger? A little wiser? Or, maybe just a little kinder. Hoist the sail, and off I go. Who knows what the day’s weather will bring? 

I guess that’s what keeps it interesting. 

❤️ Cath