When it’s all just too much.

I’ve been getting in my head a bit lately. Leaning into my tendency to overthink. Spending time in the garden yesterday helped with that. A manual, mindless task like weeding gives my mind some breathing room. Too much time staring at a page or sitting at a keyboard, and I feel the pressure. “I have to figure this out. I have to be interesting. I have to at least be coherent and connect one thought to the next.”

An undercurrent of “I have to be enough” instead of remembering that I am enough. And while I know that I am enough, is the work enough? How do I do that? How do I measure that? How do I combine 26 letters and distill a thousand and one thoughts into an essay? One that is engaging and meaningful, at least to me? My insecurity is having a say these days, as I feel the magnitude of what I’m asking of myself.

It’s funny how emotions ebb and flow from one day to the next. One day I feel like I can conquer the world and anything is possible. Another day it all feels insurmountable. I guess it’s a reminder that feelings aren’t facts. And I get to choose how I want to handle them. Do I want to take them as the gospel truth and plan my future accordingly? Not if they’re taking me in a direction I don’t want to go. 

One day I feel like I can conquer the world and anything is possible. Another day it all feels insurmountable.

Today is a day to just breathe a little. I’m thankful for the rain this morning. Ride the wave and keep on going.

So, while the garden helped yesterday, today it was my gratitude journal – a numbered list I’ve been adding to since 2011 when I read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. Sometimes, when life gets busy, or my pencil is occupied on other pages, I forget about my practice of numbering blessings. This morning, I picked it up and added #2301.

2301. A gratitude journal. Always waiting.

A gratitude journal that I bought for a dollar at A.C. Moore. A cheap notebook filled with precious memories. A notebook that I set down and forget about. And always return to when it all seems too much.

Truth be told, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed these days. I mean, I sit here in my corner and try to nail some joy to the page while everything else in the world seems to be falling apart. I’m not one to obsess about the news, but I can’t ignore it. How can I find joy in my own little corner when the 30-minute newsreel feels more like an end-of-days movie trailer? And innocent people are living in the midst of it? Somehow, it feels selfish and self-centered.

2302. Apple tree, heavy-laden, despite all that ails it.

I’m feeling powerless to help. People clinging to planes in a desperate attempt to escape the hard. Raging fires. Earthquakes. The ongoing pandemic. Political strife. I’ve had it. It’s all just too much. It’s all just too much.

2303. Zinnias that stand tall and keep on blooming.

And somehow, miracle of miracles, no matter how hard the day is or how small the blessing seems, it works. Every single time. When I am overwhelmed and over my head, I write down the details of all the ways I am loved and cared for. It seems like such a little thing, but it is the biggest thing. And if everyone did that one thing? We wouldn’t see machine guns roving through the streets anywhere because there would be peace. Peace always begins within. It always begins within.

So, I will continue to number the ways that God shines light into my corner of the world, so I can shine my light in the world. Now more than ever.

And it is enough.

❤️ Cath